appropriate today and everyday; or in which this was a theme of this year—universal excerpts from journaling: june 2009
I realized today that I have been holding onto so much hurt and disappointment and pain. Today I let that go. I know that I have been difficult in loving you as well as in allowing you to love me. I haven’t opened myself up to you in fear of being hurt. I have put you through the wringer and tested your limits and your love. I’m starting to realize that that’s not how you trust someone. I want to give all of myself to you, more than I have with you or anyone else.
I’ve been thinking about it tonight, lying in my bed, and I’m not sure if love is really unconditional. There are always conditions that come with loving someone, signs we look for that make us pull away before we’re hurt. The thing is, I’m ready to be hurt again. That’s the thing about conditional love, the right person makes you want to throw away all the hurt and begin again; set fire to the house that has surrounded your heart for so long and watch it burn down, with the hope that this new dwelling will be the one that will let your heart rest easy. You are that home, I’ve known for so long and yet I’ve run from the answer, boarding up the windows that would let you see inside me. Now I know and I can say it.
I adore you. I am amazed at the fact that random cells formed you into the man that you are today, a coincidence of genetics which has shaped you into my missing parts. We are fully formed without each other and yet we fill holes we didn’t know existed in ourselves. You challenge and encourage me and make the world come alive with possibility. Every so called love I’ve had has made me feel trapped, you only make me feel free. Darling, we are exhausted and beautiful, and we are fuller for loving each other. I was a complete person before I met you, but now I am a better one.
